Thoughts From a Somewhat Healed Grieving Mother

Often people assume that when you lose a child, that is what you are losing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When I lost Harper, I lost her whole life. I lost the sweet baby cuddles, the breastfeeding bond, her first giggle, her first step.
Going to school for the first time, losing that first tooth, the kisses before she walks out the door, graduation, her wedding, grandchildren. I lost all of it. Every single beautiful moment, and even the not so beautiful ones, are gone in the blink of an eye. She is forever frozen in my memory as that tiny preemie baby hooked up on machines.

And that's just what I lost. What about what her twin sister lost? The best friend, by her side every step of the way. Someone to understand you, that is going through the same stages with you. They were identical, so they were literally two parts of one whole. One egg split in half. What emptiness may she feel as she gets older? She is already a classic "Twinless Twin", in that she has to have someone with her at all times, she doesn't walk across the living room by herself, she grabs my hand or her sister's hand and walks with us. It is in her very makeup to not ever be alone. And now she has to do without that companion, that person who gets you because they have had all of the same experiences as you.

I would not understand the extent of her loss, except for the fact that my mother is an identical twin. Her and my Aunt are connected in a way that nobody is able to explain. They feel each others pain, they love each other absolutely unconditionally. I dread the day that one of them passes, because I have no idea how the other will keep going.

What a wonderful gift that is, and what a horrible thing for it to be ripped away before they even get to enjoy it. Adaline and Harper were already like the Ying and Yang when I was pregnant with them. Even when Adaline was being extremely deprived from the placenta and had no bladder, she was always the feisty one. She would kick and flip and get really worked up when the nurse put the monitors on my stomach. Harper was just chill, shed flip around a little bit, give me a few kicks, but never with the craziness of Addy. We have several ultrasound pictures of them kissing, and often it looked like Harper was patting Addy on the head, like she was already trying to calm her down!

So please keep this in mind the next time you ask me if I'm "Okay now". The answer is no. I never will be. Because every single moment I am missing something. Every time Addy is in my lap I wish I was seeing double, when we cuddle up at night there should be twice the snuggles.

The biggest jolt for me after losing Harper was how the world kept going. I remember around 3 days after she passed checking my Facebook. A couple people were on vacation, some had a birthday party, but all were still living their life like nothing had happened. I was like how? How is the world still going when my baby is dead? How does everything just keep on like nothing ever happened? Like the worst thing I could possibly imagined had not just happened?

But that is way it works. The world keeps going. I have people tell me all the time "I don't know how you do it.". I promise you I have no special secret. I just. keep. going. My oldest daughter still had to go to school, have help with homework, have clean clothes to wear. My middle still needed breakfast made in the morning, attention through the day, help with her ABCs. Adaline was still in the NICU and needed me. There was no possible way for me to just curl up in the corner and die like I wanted to.

So I went through the motions, I did everything that I was supposed to, maybe not as well as I used to, or with the same enthusiasm, but at least they got done. When Addy came home from the hospital I followed instructions, took care of her and watched her growth take off. When it came apparent it was time for me to make some money again I got a job. At Christmas I made cookies and wrapped presents. All the way until this May, a year and three months after Harper passed, I went through the motions.

Then all the sudden in May, I woke up. Things started to mean something again. I did stuff because I cared about it rather that just going through the motions. I realized how I had skated by in motherhood since Harper passed, and I realized how much I had missed. My memories of Adaline's first year are foggy and honestly I do not remember a lot. Arianna would be starting Kindergarten in the fall, and how had that happened, the last time I had really paid attention she was 3 1/2!

Oh the change in my children when they realized they had me back! When I was "zoned out" they older two had gotten into a habit of watching videos on the tablet in their room pretty much all night. All of the sudden I was being bombarded as soon as I got in the door, with stories of their days and requests to do this or that.

So yes, I am "better", but do not mistake that for healed. There is a gaping hole in my heart, and some days that hole hurts so bad it takes everything I have in me to get out of the bed in the morning, but that is just the way it is going to be, maybe forever.

Intro

Welcome to my blog!

A little bit about me and mine before I get into the nitty gritty stuff!

My name is Katie, I live in Weaverville, North Carolina with my husband, Matt, and our three children: Hailie is 10, Arianna is 5, and Adaline is 22 months. We also have Harper Grace, who is Adaline's twin, that is with us in spirit only.

This blog is going to be about the things that I have a passion for in my life: pretty much my family, and everything related to them.

I also wanted to make this blog to speak of things without having to hide my grief. Yes, it's still there. No, it will never go away. I am still finding ways to cope, and I want to talk openly about it, which I think could also be therapeutic. Sharing our journey with TTTS is important as well, it is possible Adaline is here today because I did not trust the doctors, and instead did my own research (mainly blogs, there is not a whole lot of official info out there).

I encourage you, if your babies have been diagnosed with TTTS, you can email me at hailiesmom515@gmail.com, and please do, I want to help you like people helped me!